title says it all. this needed at least two more red lines before publishing. descriptive imagery is especially lacking, as all the sudden we’ll have a giant hole or void in the scene but it exists without any spacial relationship to the characters.
the two narrators work once we’re 1/3 of the way in, but the female narrator’s voice for a man with a deep voice sounds like she’s doing a bit and not getting the laugh she’s looking for.
are the jokes funny? they could be with better pacing. as it reads now, there’s more stream of consciousness rambling than anything else. the 4th wall break of Billy and Hale’s character are especially annoying, as they don’t do anything for the story and the author comes off as trying to think he’s clever? it falls flat.