Where do I even begin?

Battledeck Academy by Harmon Cooper is, to put it bluntly, not good. At all. I’m not exaggerating here—it’s bad.

The premise sounded promising, which is what made me buy the audiobook in the first place. A kid joins a magic academy, much like Harry Potter, but with the twist of having the soul of a master assassin trapped within him? Sounds cool, right? Wrong.

If this book had been marketed as a pre-teen novel, I might have let some things slide. But it’s not. It’s juvenile, cartoony, and overly simplistic. Yet, for some reason, the characters curse like sailors, which only makes the dialogue feel forced and awkward. Combine that with plot holes and flat, underdeveloped characters, and it’s just a mess. The book is supposed to be a LitRPG, but the entire story unfolds over the span of about a week and a half, leaving little room for actual RPG elements. The magic and combat system feels more like a watered-down Pokémon battle with a few spells tossed in.

And let’s talk about the “master assassin.” You’d expect a character with decades of experience to have depth, wisdom, and a strategic mind, right? Nope. Instead, he’s written with all the nuance of an 11-year-old who thinks he’s a master assassin. It’s painfully clear that the author has no idea how to write a seasoned warrior. The assassin’s personality is shallow, childish, and lacks any of the maturity or finesse you’d expect from someone who’s supposedly honed their craft for years.

Now, for the audiobook itself: the characters use an instant messaging system where they can send messages through their thoughts. Cool idea, right? Except for one glaring issue—every time a message is sent, a single distorted harmonica note plays. And this happens before every message. Imagine sitting through a 20-line conversation with harmonica notes blaring in your ear before each line. It’s maddening.

The characters themselves have the depth and maturity of South Park characters—particularly Cartman. And the creatures they summon (essentially Pokémon knock-offs) are crass and just plain cringe-worthy.

In short, this is a terrible book, made worse by poor execution on every front. Avoid at all costs.